Most Important Thing I've Ever Done as a Father

"...keeping you great"

HEADLINES:

"If you don't initiate the youth, they will burn down the village."
	African proverb

Most Important Thing I've Ever Done as a Father -- of course, time will tell, but a couple weeks ago four men, familiar with my oldest son Cameron, and myself took a weekend and led him through a formal "rite-of-passage" experience in the wilderness, asking him to bury his childish ways and become a young man on his 14th birthday. This was the culmination of a two year educational process leading up to this weekend. BTW, it was the physical aspects of the experience that made the biggest impact -- more below.

Four Frameworks -- long time followers of these insights might recall the initial 5F program that started this process whereby we gathered a group of fathers and sons and organized an intense week of activities -- one day per each "F": Faith, Family, Friends, Fitness, and Finance. In essence, it taught that every decision should take into account these five aspects of life, asking "how will this decision impact each of the 5Fs, and how will each of the 5Fs impact the decision." We just had a reunion of the boys that participated and many concurred that the framework has been helpful in making decisions. This was the first framework which we reinforced with a year of specific activities spaced every two months after the intense week.

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover -- the specific rite-of-passage weekend was then organized around three additional frameworks. The overarching framework is based on the four archetypes of being a mature man: King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover as described in Robert Moore's book titled after this framework. I would encourage every man (and the women that love them) to read this book. Each of us men took the role of one of these archetypes and led Cameron and the other men through an experience sharing session around each archetype (situated in different parts of the wilderness).

Five Truths -- interspersed between the four experience sharing sessions where 20 minute meditations where Cameron answered some specific questions based on the Five Truths about life that underpin Richard Rohr's work with rite-of-passage programs for men. These five truths are outlined in his book Adam's Return: The Five Promises of Male Initiation. The five truths are (I was hesitant to share without more background info -- they can seem negative if taken out of context):

1.     Life is Hard

2.     You are Not Important

3.     Your Life is Not About You

4.     You are Not in Control

5.     You are Going to Die

Four Stages of Life -- the final framework is based on the four famous 1840 Thomas Cole paintings depicting the four stages of human life: childhood, youth, man, old age. I would encourage you to check out the Wikipedia write-up that includes photos of the four paintings which hang in the National Gallery of Art in DC. Again, the men shared their life experiences at each stage.

Physical Aspects -- as expected, in hindsight, it was many of the physical aspects of the experience that were most memorable to Cameron. Five aspects stand out:

1.     Burying Something from his Childhood -- the men met the Friday evening before to prepare. Saturday morning Cameron was driven out to the 1400 acre Rolling Ridge Retreat Center by my wife. In silence, she kissed him goodbye and sent him out with a letter from her that he was instructed to read later. In addition, Cameron brought along a symbol of his childhood that, in silence, after being marched up to a hilltop to the beat of a drum, he was asked to physically bury.

2.     Fasting -- after an early morning breakfast, Cameron was only given water to drink all day. By 6pm, with 3 hours left to go and over five miles of hiking interspersed between sessions, he was hungry! However, his only comment was "now he had some understanding of what it feels like to have little or no food -- to be hungry." Surprisingly, in all his 14 years, he had never really experienced anything close to being hungry.

3.     Rebel Yell -- during the Warrior session, he was given three 10 foot long tree branches and asked to break them against a large tree as fast as he could, yelling out as loud as he could in the process. I still remember the intensity and primal sounds he made as this was happening. At that moment he felt and was powerful.

4.     Night Alone in the Woods -- while we rested in our cabin a mile away, Cameron had to sleep in the forest alone (it was on a raised platform). Much of the messaging during the day was to help Cameron prepare for this experience -- to face any fears he might have and to conquer them. In truth, I think he slept better than me!

5.     Pride Rock -- the next morning we arrived at his campsite while it was still dark and led him on a two-mile hike straight up a mountain along the famous Appalachian Trail. The hike ended at sunrise at a large outcropping of rocks overlooking a massive valley reminiscent of Pride Rock from the movie The Lion King. After a last discussion based on the role of the King, the men hoisted Cameron up in the air and cheered him three times. I'll never forget the look on his face of pure joy mixed with fear as he was somewhat suspended in mid-air over a thousand foot drop, having to trust the men around him to not let go.

Transforming for All -- all of us came away from the experience, not just Cameron, with important insights about ourselves -- and a better understanding of what it means to be a mature man. I'll be starting my second son down a similar two year process in a couple months and my wife is hooking up with a group of women interested in similar programs for girls.

New Language -- most importantly, so far, it's given us a new set of frameworks and language we can use when confronted with the challenges that come with a testosterone-filled teenager. Just the other day I mentioned in passing that he was exhibiting the "tyrant king" shadow side of a mature king. And he mentioned to the other men just yesterday in an email that he had made an important life decision based on listening to his heart.

Why This Matters to Executives of Growth Firms -- a healthy society provides us with a healthy and safe marketplace -- and a healthy place to raise a family and employ its citizens. If youth are not given a formal rite-of-passage, they will find other means like gangs. Anthropologists have found that rite-of-passages ceremonies are part of all traditional cultures -- something much of our modern culture has lost.